often i feel like i’m not good at much else besides being pretty, and sometimes i feel like i’m not even very good at that.

when life is bad, there is always ridiculous red lipstick.

i began writing on sunday night:

i went for a run to clear my thoughts, slowing to a flaneur’s pace to enjoy the scenery quite regularly.  i passed st. marks and it looked inviting in the afternoon light.  the clink-clank of coffee cups nearly drew me in, but i decided to abstain until later in the evening (i am here now, waiting to go to work at a ridiculously late hour of the night — all the more ridiculous with the time change last night).

on york street wet leaves were matted to the ground.  i reached colfax, the corner that houses the salvation army, and remembered something that happened half a decade ago around this time of year: ness, david and i drove to the thrift store so i could examine a pair of green pumps i’d seen in the window.  david got upset for some reason and walked all the way back to his house.

i thought about last year, leaving the banya with my brother, clean with sweat.  the day before, we crunched leaves in city park on the way home from science museum.  and i thought about how a quarter of a year has passed since he was last here, walking back from the thin man with me and leslie, the day before i was supposed to get married.

back in november 2009 a girl crossed the street, heading in the direction of the bus stop in front of 7-11.  shocking violet bra straps stood out against her ebony skin and she looked back when she heard me breathing heavily a few steps behind her — visibly relieved i was a slightly out of shape female jogger and not someone more threatening, i would imagine.

i went to the tattered cover and read magazines while the sun set behind those lovely windows.  i considered going inside twist & shout, but i don’t need any albums.  i did note from the partially open front door that it smells exactly like the old location, despite looking somewhat like the sad little sister of a virgin megastore.  

i ran home in the dark feeling much better about my situation in life, and that’s pretty much all i have to say about that.

***

i am going home to see my family from january 4-10.

[post truncated]

the rolling stones are stalking me lately.

it seems like every really good time in my life is touched with some kind of sadness.  i can’t deal with this right now and am hoping for a happy surprise ending.  

victoria and i went to the gym and then hung out in the steam room after work.  then i slept for four hours and made a salad with leftovers.  now i will go do some tasks to make myself feel like a more productive and responsible adult.

on saturday night i went to work at 9:45, served stupid drunk people food and milkshakes, then headed home around 4:30 on sunday morning… at which point i purchased a clif bar, banana and spike energy drink from 7-11 in preparation for running a half-marathon on no sleep and basically no training.  oh, and maybe a quarter pack of cigarettes on friday night (though, i did also go for an evening run at cheesman).

about an hour later i ran down to civic center park and looked around for chris. miraculously, i found him about ten minutes before the race started, and before i knew it we were off.  it was pretty easy till mile 5 or 6, then by miles 8-9, i was pretty sure i was going to die.  but somehow we made it to 13.1, and though my quads are not thanking me for this particular whim, i feel like a certain part of my core being has been restored.

i wanted to do a full marathon this year — you know, a mile for every year of my age — but considering everything else that’s gone on, i’ll take a half.

***

i take the GRE exactly one month from today.

gonzo and i have been snuggling like hell lately, making cuddlenests in my fucking freezing bed ‘cuz my radiators suck and my landlord is out of town.  and i’ve been thinking a lot about the progression of our relationship, wondering whether it mirrors the course i expected my relationship with david to take.  

when i found gonzo at the shelter, i felt like he was right for me.  for some reason he seemed like the cat i was supposed to have.  then i brought him home and that seemed to be true.  i nurtured him back to health and he was perfect.  and then one day he started annoying the shit out of me.  i would have never given him away, but i started fantasizing about it a lot.  i don’t know how we moved past that period, and perhaps that’s what i’m trying to meditate on.  for the past month and a half or so, gonzo has pretty much been attached to my armpit whenever i’m home, purring his little pigeon purr into my happy ears.

of course, gonzo is a cat, and as far as i know, david is a human being.  there were no words in my late summer battles with gonzo (well, not on his part, anyway), and maybe i just grew on him because he realized i was the one  filling up his food dish and scooping the shit out of his toilet.  

the thing is, gonzo wasn’t the cat i was supposed to have.  he’s just a cat i picked for one reason or another.  i stuck it out past the annoying phase, and now i am going to love him till i have to put him in the ground.

it’s really easy to get that feeling about a lover, like fate brought you together.  david and i actually talked about this a few times during out relationship.  despite claiming not to buy into that belief in the past, it was hard at times not to feel like my whole life had brought me to him.  and that was a big part of the reason it was so hard to break up.  

but now, nearly half a year removed from the situation, i’m back to a more pragmatic version of myself.  and i kind of feel that if you like someone, making a commitment to stick with said person is more important than whimsical notions of fate and the like.  i think almost any two people can be together if they try.

just some thoughts.

there are really two people i need to be choosing from to make that commitment right now, and i’m having a hard time doing so.  i am also wondering why i am the kind of girl that makes men think they are in love.  i am especially thinking about the fact that it seems to mostly happen not because they think i am pretty, not because they think i am smart, but because they think i am thoughtful and kind.  and maybe in the aftermath of being told by david that i am abusive and mean, i sort of get off on that.

incidentally, i saw david walk into the whole foods as ish and i were paying for coffee the other night.  it made my heart start racing in a disturbing way, perhaps because it was one of the first times i’ve spotted him randomly, and not at some place like the thin man where it’s half-expected.  

i’m not really worrying about it much anymore, i mean that situation, but this seems like a good enough place to put my thoughts.

oh, yo la tengo was pretty good.

i don’t want to break any more hearts.  i never meant to break them in the first place.  i just want to be with someone with whom i can share my love, take naps, and become a better person.  i don’t think that is really so weird.

tracklist for a mix i made but did not give to david approximately two months ago:

sleep all summer – st. vincent and the national
wedding dance – slow dazzle
tennessee – silver jews
the idea of growing old – the features
laid – james
100,000 fireflies – the magnetic fields
again & again – the bird and the bee
good things – sleater-kinney
books written for girls – camera obscura
please, please, please, let me get what i want – she & him