it seems like every really good time in my life is touched with some kind of sadness. i can’t deal with this right now and am hoping for a happy surprise ending.
victoria and i went to the gym and then hung out in the steam room after work. then i slept for four hours and made a salad with leftovers. now i will go do some tasks to make myself feel like a more productive and responsible adult.
on saturday night i went to work at 9:45, served stupid drunk people food and milkshakes, then headed home around 4:30 on sunday morning… at which point i purchased a clif bar, banana and spike energy drink from 7-11 in preparation for running a half-marathon on no sleep and basically no training. oh, and maybe a quarter pack of cigarettes on friday night (though, i did also go for an evening run at cheesman).
about an hour later i ran down to civic center park and looked around for chris. miraculously, i found him about ten minutes before the race started, and before i knew it we were off. it was pretty easy till mile 5 or 6, then by miles 8-9, i was pretty sure i was going to die. but somehow we made it to 13.1, and though my quads are not thanking me for this particular whim, i feel like a certain part of my core being has been restored.
i wanted to do a full marathon this year — you know, a mile for every year of my age — but considering everything else that’s gone on, i’ll take a half.
***
i take the GRE exactly one month from today.
gonzo and i have been snuggling like hell lately, making cuddlenests in my fucking freezing bed ‘cuz my radiators suck and my landlord is out of town. and i’ve been thinking a lot about the progression of our relationship, wondering whether it mirrors the course i expected my relationship with david to take.
when i found gonzo at the shelter, i felt like he was right for me. for some reason he seemed like the cat i was supposed to have. then i brought him home and that seemed to be true. i nurtured him back to health and he was perfect. and then one day he started annoying the shit out of me. i would have never given him away, but i started fantasizing about it a lot. i don’t know how we moved past that period, and perhaps that’s what i’m trying to meditate on. for the past month and a half or so, gonzo has pretty much been attached to my armpit whenever i’m home, purring his little pigeon purr into my happy ears.
of course, gonzo is a cat, and as far as i know, david is a human being. there were no words in my late summer battles with gonzo (well, not on his part, anyway), and maybe i just grew on him because he realized i was the one filling up his food dish and scooping the shit out of his toilet.
the thing is, gonzo wasn’t the cat i was supposed to have. he’s just a cat i picked for one reason or another. i stuck it out past the annoying phase, and now i am going to love him till i have to put him in the ground.
it’s really easy to get that feeling about a lover, like fate brought you together. david and i actually talked about this a few times during out relationship. despite claiming not to buy into that belief in the past, it was hard at times not to feel like my whole life had brought me to him. and that was a big part of the reason it was so hard to break up.
but now, nearly half a year removed from the situation, i’m back to a more pragmatic version of myself. and i kind of feel that if you like someone, making a commitment to stick with said person is more important than whimsical notions of fate and the like. i think almost any two people can be together if they try.
just some thoughts.
there are really two people i need to be choosing from to make that commitment right now, and i’m having a hard time doing so. i am also wondering why i am the kind of girl that makes men think they are in love. i am especially thinking about the fact that it seems to mostly happen not because they think i am pretty, not because they think i am smart, but because they think i am thoughtful and kind. and maybe in the aftermath of being told by david that i am abusive and mean, i sort of get off on that.
incidentally, i saw david walk into the whole foods as ish and i were paying for coffee the other night. it made my heart start racing in a disturbing way, perhaps because it was one of the first times i’ve spotted him randomly, and not at some place like the thin man where it’s half-expected.
i’m not really worrying about it much anymore, i mean that situation, but this seems like a good enough place to put my thoughts.
oh, yo la tengo was pretty good.
i don’t want to break any more hearts. i never meant to break them in the first place. i just want to be with someone with whom i can share my love, take naps, and become a better person. i don’t think that is really so weird.
tracklist for a mix i made but did not give to david approximately two months ago:
sleep all summer – st. vincent and the national
wedding dance – slow dazzle
tennessee – silver jews
the idea of growing old – the features
laid – james
100,000 fireflies – the magnetic fields
again & again – the bird and the bee
good things – sleater-kinney
books written for girls – camera obscura
please, please, please, let me get what i want – she & him
Filed under: dear diary | Tags: all the boys in the neighborhood would love you if they could
things are getting weird around here. i’m not sure i’ve ever been in such high demand.
i is convinced i emit psychotropic drugs and wrote the dates of our first all-night conversation in giant magic marker letters on cardboard.
the freakishly beautiful s keeps telling me he’s had a secret crush on me since he arrived in denver last fall, and now he’s making me hold on to the spare keys for his apartment.
over brunch on sunday morning, ch told me he was just going to put all his marbles on the table and ask me on a date, because last year he never thought he’d get the chance.
m dances around me in the whole foods, sends text messages about kissing, implies i am making him a little sad.
e is still sending one-liner postcards from switzerland — two yesterday — and telling me he would be the best boyfriend.
i don’t even know about d anymore, so i guess that’s good.
on a mostly unrelated note, i am missing j terribly. i guess at least now i have an excuse to go to paris.
