les petits trucs

sometimes you just have to realize that a person is inherently bad for you, even if he or she once seemed to be your everything.  i kind of hate how often i’m coming to that conclusion these days, in various degrees.

after an emotionally destructive experience with david on saturday afternoon, i finally decided to cultivate some avoidance techniques.  i did what i said i was going to do months ago: i deleted his number, i decided not to contact him again. i haven’t talked to him much recently anyway, but i needed that formal process to further let him go.

yesterday i had also planned to tell jesse that i needed to run away and not keep spending time with him, because i felt like he has been getting entangled in unnecessary drama due to the fact that a. i like him, and b. he knows david.  but instead i saw him and instantly felt better.  we did a really stupid but awesome yoga tape and erich made dinner.  later we talked about how i wanted to run away and why i changed my mind.  he’s very patient with me and this messed up situation, and it’s nice to feel a connection with someone but not feel the need to make him my boyfriend asap.

today david contacted me on gchat and asked if i wanted a ride to the airport, which seemed like a weird offer considering how we parted ways on saturday.  we talked in the way that we always talk lately, and i quickly became frustrated.  i told him i didn’t want to talk to him under the terms that he has set, and that associating with him is harmful to me.  he didn’t seem to care very much about those statements, but when i added that i had decided to start seeing jesse, he responded with something along the lines of “fuck you, bye.”

my attraction to jesse is not new information to him — i mentioned it a week ago, and he saw us together at the thin man on friday.  and i’m fairly certain he’s dating, or attempting dating, himself.  which leads me to another recent realization — if i just met david today, i wouldn’t even be attracted to him, physically, mentally or otherwise.  so why torture myself?  i figured out a while ago when i was starving myself that there is no point in making my life harder than it has to be.  i just have to apply that logic to other appropriate situations.

the perceived stability of being with david was in many ways a replacement for the perceived stability of my former career.  oddly i am in a better place to “date” than i was a year ago, when i moved here and had no idea about anything.  i was totally dependent on david and our relationship was probably messed up from the start because of it — i felt insecure and out of place here.  ironically i suppose it wasn’t until i first started feeling at home in denver that our two months of hellish fighting began.  

i am still mourning my relationship with david, though, and anything that does happen with jesse will be slow moving as a result.  the other night pete, being my surrogate father/grandfather and all, pulled me aside at work and asked how i was doing with everything.  i told him i was upset about david and he said, “why can’t you just not have a man for a while?” (though i wonder if he would have said the same thing if he didn’t consider me an 18-year-old for all practical purposes).  i told him i got a cat and he was pleased.  i didn’t tell him about jesse.

but you like who you like, i guess.  i don’t know.  i am going to try not be fucked up about it this time.

man, it’s a good week to get out of town.