two children.

i’m going to name them milo [edit: make that milan] and minou [i will call them milo and mina].

in the meantime:

(at least i have a cat)

i’m in d.c. right now.  it’s something.

he’s just not that into you

sometimes you just have to realize that a person is inherently bad for you, even if he or she once seemed to be your everything.  i kind of hate how often i’m coming to that conclusion these days, in various degrees.

after an emotionally destructive experience with david on saturday afternoon, i finally decided to cultivate some avoidance techniques.  i did what i said i was going to do months ago: i deleted his number, i decided not to contact him again. i haven’t talked to him much recently anyway, but i needed that formal process to further let him go.

yesterday i had also planned to tell jesse that i needed to run away and not keep spending time with him, because i felt like he has been getting entangled in unnecessary drama due to the fact that a. i like him, and b. he knows david.  but instead i saw him and instantly felt better.  we did a really stupid but awesome yoga tape and erich made dinner.  later we talked about how i wanted to run away and why i changed my mind.  he’s very patient with me and this messed up situation, and it’s nice to feel a connection with someone but not feel the need to make him my boyfriend asap.

today david contacted me on gchat and asked if i wanted a ride to the airport, which seemed like a weird offer considering how we parted ways on saturday.  we talked in the way that we always talk lately, and i quickly became frustrated.  i told him i didn’t want to talk to him under the terms that he has set, and that associating with him is harmful to me.  he didn’t seem to care very much about those statements, but when i added that i had decided to start seeing jesse, he responded with something along the lines of “fuck you, bye.”

my attraction to jesse is not new information to him — i mentioned it a week ago, and he saw us together at the thin man on friday.  and i’m fairly certain he’s dating, or attempting dating, himself.  which leads me to another recent realization — if i just met david today, i wouldn’t even be attracted to him, physically, mentally or otherwise.  so why torture myself?  i figured out a while ago when i was starving myself that there is no point in making my life harder than it has to be.  i just have to apply that logic to other appropriate situations.

the perceived stability of being with david was in many ways a replacement for the perceived stability of my former career.  oddly i am in a better place to “date” than i was a year ago, when i moved here and had no idea about anything.  i was totally dependent on david and our relationship was probably messed up from the start because of it — i felt insecure and out of place here.  ironically i suppose it wasn’t until i first started feeling at home in denver that our two months of hellish fighting began.  

i am still mourning my relationship with david, though, and anything that does happen with jesse will be slow moving as a result.  the other night pete, being my surrogate father/grandfather and all, pulled me aside at work and asked how i was doing with everything.  i told him i was upset about david and he said, “why can’t you just not have a man for a while?” (though i wonder if he would have said the same thing if he didn’t consider me an 18-year-old for all practical purposes).  i told him i got a cat and he was pleased.  i didn’t tell him about jesse.

but you like who you like, i guess.  i don’t know.  i am going to try not be fucked up about it this time.

man, it’s a good week to get out of town.

“fourth of july” by galaxie 500

I wrote a poem on a dog biscuit
And your dog refused to look at it
So I got drunk and looked at the Empire State Building
It was no bigger than a nickel

And if it don’t improve
Then I have to move
I never thought that I would end up here
Maybe I should just change my style
But I feel alright when you smile

I stayed at home on the Fourth of July
And I pulled the shades so I didn’t have to see the sky
And I decided to have a Bed In
But I forgot to invite anybody

And when I fell asleep
The neighbors had a peep
I never thought that I would end up here
Maybe I should just change my style
But I feel alright when you smile

things to do in denver when you’re not dead

i really want to go to waterworld and the botanic gardens when i get back from the east coast.

just a reminder to myself.

incidentally i am sad that i did not get to see jonathan richman at lions lair on wednesday.  i was a couple blocks down the street at work.  oh well.

some songs i have been listening to on 99 repeat:

thunder road by bruce springsteen
kodachrome by paul simon
this must be the place by the talking heads
(i don’t want to go to) chelsea by elvis costello
hot child in the city by pat benatar

i think it’s pretty safe to say that i am no longer cool.

***

the 30 hours or so since i got off work very early yesterday a.m. have been strange, minus the 12 or so that i spent not being awake.  

i guess at this point nothing is that weird because everything is weird, but let’s just say running into david and getting along, then bonding with his friend tynan (my former arch nemesis, when it mattered) was not exactly how i expected to spend my evening.  unfortunately, because we are a couple of scumbag 20somethings, bonding involved a shot of tequila that knocked me on my ass, pretty much literally — soon thereafter, i climbed on the giant see-saw behind the thin man with not so sexy results.  

thankfully at this point jesse showed up (jason also came by and was surprisingly the only source of bad vibes all night) and escorted me home in a cab as it started to rain.  we waited — rather, i made myself horizontal — on the steps of castle marne, and i blabbered on about how david and i stayed there once.  we got to my house and i puked up some tequila and the salad i ate earlier.  he put me in bed and gonzo curled up next to me and somehow i didn’t die.  actually, i woke up quite early this morning and felt pretty good despite the circumstances.  

i got dressed and walked across the street to whole foods for some spinach-parsley-cucumber-apple-lemon-ginger juice.  it was amazing.  so now i am here, and in a few hours i am supposed to eat lunch with david and his little brother and his little brother’s girlfriend.  what?

last night i also ran into this chick lacey who works at salvagetti, the bike shop right by where i used to live with david.  i keep waiting on her in pete’s establishments.  anyhow, i’m going to drop by the shop later for a swap they’re having and hopefully i will score a bike.

in other news, as i was walking to the thin man last night and questioning the safety of being a female pedestrian on colfax at 10 p.m., i saw two drunk girls and figured if they were okay, i probably was too.  then they started shouting my name and i realized it was jess and katy from greektown.  oh denver, you are finally becoming a small town to me.

home is where i want to be / but i guess i’m already there.

indeed.

i came to visit denver one year ago today.  david and i went to tynan’s house and that is when i decided he was my arch nemesis.  i went to steuben’s and the thin man with jason and justin and saw fireworks from justin’s stairwell.  later on david and i made out.  and that is how i got here, i guess.

things are better now, actually.

naked

i have been reading the works of pablo neruda lately and today i stumbled a poem i liked a lot when i was in high school.  reading translations of poetry written in a language you don’t understand is kind of weird, but neruda translates well. 

Naked

Naked, you are simple as a hand,
smooth, earthy, small. . . transparent, round.
You have moon lines and apple paths;
Naked, you are slender as the wheat.

Naked, Cuban blue midnight is your color,
Naked, I trace the stars and vines in your hair;
Naked, you are spacious and yellow
As a summer’s wholeness in a golden church.

Naked, you are tiny as your fingernail;
Subtle and curved in the rose-colored dawn
And you withdraw to the underground world

As if down a long tunnel of clothing and of chores:
your clear light dims, gets dressed, drops its leaves,
And becomes a naked hand again.

***

later, when i was in college, jonathan told me he aspired to be a japanese poet… or something like that.  he read a lot of translated japanese poetry and i made fun of him.  next week i will be in new york and i am looking forward to doing that thing we do whenever i come to visit.  wandering around lower manhattan, in some kind of parallel universe.

an observation.

sometimes it seems like all of my elementary schoolmates are either engaged, getting married, having a kid, or writing for vanity fair.  meanwhile it is now 8 a.m. and i am still wearing my waitressing apron despite being in a public place, you know, as a customer.

and i mean, seriously, what the fuck?

it is 7:11 in the morning and i am at st. marks and i have not slept yet.

john opened the coffee shop this a.m. and i came by to say hello and steal the internet.

which reminds me that i wanted to say:

dear anonymous internet public,

i am curious who keeps googling me and reaching this blog.

please comment, or maybe just bookmark me so i can’t tell that you are stalking me all of the time.

your friend?

cat

gonzo

getting a cat, my own cat, is basically the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

yesterday i woke up fairly early, went to the farmer’s market (which actually had produce, finally), drank coffee with old friends at greektown, ate an amazing gluten free vegan scout cookie from city o’city, went to pridefest (oddly i had only been once before, six years ago, somewhat randomly before the only time i ate at greektown when i was in college), picked up gonzo, smiled a lot, went to work and made a zillion dollars thanks to lots and lots and lots of drunk gay men.

tonight: star trek and friends.

i think i’m in trouble

“trouble” by lindsey buckingham is playing in the whole foods coffee bar.  this was pretty much my favorite song last summer, and i listened to it about a hundred million times while riding the metro and walking around and doing all that sulking i used to like to do.  now i am realizing that it’s a little closer to my theme song than i’d like, once again.  once a-fucking-gain.  oh well.

this was me a year ago, right after i started my daily photo project:

this is me today:

i have bigger eyebrows now.  it’s because i’m becoming greek by association.